“. . .What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end.”
There has been such an outpouring of love and support toward our family. So much so it hurts to even think about the generosity we’ve seen over the past week and a half. There are so many beautiful, kind, and thoughtful people in the world. I am so grateful to know so many remarkable people. Thank you, all, so much for the love and support.
I’ve thought at lot lately about habits. I’ve noticed patterns in myself and those around me who are mourning / suffering / trying to make sense of this new life chapter.
When I’m in pain, struggling to deal with circumstances I find myself in, I absolutely cannot sit still. Not for a moment. I cannot be still because if I am, the thoughts catch up to me and I am overcome. As a result I’m in a near constant state of agitation, suppressing anger and frustration and generally doing all that I can to not feel anything.
I drink coffee until late-afternoon then switch to alcohol until bedtime. I barely touch food, it’s disgusting. I run and walk every spare second of everyday. I consume mass media like it’s a drug and consider running away on the back of a comet, out of light, orbit, sound, into perfect delirium.
I cannot touch my yoga mat. I cannot meditate. I was able to connect to universal magnetism the first few days I was here, but that feeling is beyond my reach now. I feel disconnected from so many things, each day more so than the last. The acts of kindness shown to my family bring me back to feeling, and I am so grateful for them. But, as soon as I feel myself start to open, I have to get up and run (literally). Gotta shut that ish down.
That’s raw, but honest. I’ve grieved like this as an adult before. I know my tendencies. I know I will have to go wild for a time before everything will settle itself again. I know this, and have lost the will to fight it. I’m not sure it’s something to fight. It’s like I’m a snake who must shed its skin to process loss. This is who I am, I guess. So, there that is.
Mom sees her surgeon tomorrow. Which is timely. She’ll go to Seattle next week to be seen at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center before starting chemo. She’s on disability now and dad is looking for a job.
I will return to Lagos on Monday 25 April. Everyone keeps telling me not to rush back, but I feel like there are hot coals underneath my feet and I absolutely cannot sit still for another moment. I need to get away, knowing I’ll be back again in separate trips this June, July, and August. At a certain point my usefulness here negates itself.
There are so many things I want to unpack, but this blog is far too public and I’m far from being able to understand everything I’m processing.
We’re all a little bit broken, and deserve compassion. Each person living. I commit to my lifestyle of non-harming, in hopes I can again find my center. Eventually. When the dust settles.
Love and light.